Sunday, 20 January 2008

Have you ever been harmed by pornography? - Please send your personal story anonymously here

If you have been harmed by pornography (or in prostitution) as a woman, the partner of a porn user, a family member of a user, an acquaintance of a porn user, in the making of porn, as a porn user him/herself, etc., in any of the ways described on this site here or there, or

if you are/were a pornography user who has decided to stop using porn/has stopped using porn because you have noticed the obvious misogyny, racism, and/or violence of the material and its harms to women, children and/or yourself in any of the ways described on this site,

you can send me your personal story via simply posting a comment on this blog's post here.

Please do not forget that your personal account could help many other people understand the harms of this cruel industry.

To preserve your anonymity, you can either choose a nickname or 'anonymous' when you post.

Please avoid religious comments, however, as Against Pornography is a secular website and I, Maggie Hays, am a non-religious blogger. If you are religious, I respect your choice. So, please respect my choice of not being religious by not posting any religious comment(s) when you write your story.


First:

Here is a link to my personal story to show you how I was harmed by pornography and how I became a radical feminist.


Here are also a few stories from people who have been harmed by this cruel pornography industry:

"I was thirteen when I was forced into prostitution and pornography. . . I was drugged, raped, gang-raped, imprisoned, beaten, sold from one pimp to another, photographed by pimps, photographed by tricks; I was used in pornography and they used pornography on me; "[t]hey knew a child's face when they looked into it. It was clear that I was not acting of my own free will. I was always covered with welts and bruises. . . It was even clearer that I was sexually inexperienced. I literally didn't know what to do. So they showed me pornography to teach me about sex and then they would ignore my tears as they positioned my body like the women in the pictures and used me."
-- Sarah Wynter, pseudonym, quoted in "Beaver Talks", A. Dworkin, Life and Death. ; 1997.

"She was raped by two men. They were acting out the pornographic video game “Custer’s Revenge.” She was American Indian; they were white. “They held me down and as one was running the tip of this knife across my face and throat he said, ‘Do you want to play Custer’s Last Stand? It’s great. You lose but you don’t care, do you? You like a little pain, don’t you, squaw. ‘ They both laughed and then he said, ‘There is a lot of cock in Custer’s Last Stand. You should be grateful, squaw, that All-Amerikan boys like us want you. Maybe we will tie you to a tree and start a fire around you.’ "
-- quoted in "The Censored Truth" article, by Ann J. Simonton.

"He was a lover. He'd go to porno movies, then he'd come home and say, "I saw this in a movie. Let's try it." I felt really exploited, like I was being put into a mold."
-- Ms. C., quoted in Russell Study, published in Take Back the Night: Women on Pornography; 1980.

"[My boyfriend] had gone to a stag party, this particular evening I was home alone in my apartment. He called me on the telephone and he said that he had seen several short pornographic films and he felt horny... So he asked if he could come over specifically to have sex with me. I said yes because at that time I felt obligated as a girlfriend to satisfy him. I also felt that the refusal would be indicative of sexual, quote-unquote, hang-ups on my part and that I was not, quote-unquote, liberal enough. When he arrived he informed me that the men at the party were envious that he had a girlfriend to fuck. They wanted to fuck too after watching the pornography. He informed me of this as he was taking his coat off. He then took off the rest of his clothes and had me perform fellatio on him. I did not do this of my own volition. He put his genitals in my face and he said, "Take it all." Then he fucked me on the couch in the living room. All this took about five minutes. And when he was finished, he dressed and went back to the party. I felt ashamed and numb and I also felt very used. This encounter differed from others previous. It was much quicker, it was somewhat rougher, and he was not aware of me as a person. There was no foreplay. It is my opinion that his viewing of the pornography served as foreplay for him..."
-- Testimony of N.C., at the public hearings on pornography which took place before a comittee of the Minneapolis City Council on December 12-13 of 1983, published in C. MacKinnon and A. Dworkin Eds., In Harm's Way: The Pornography Civil Rights Hearings; 1997.

"Starting at age 4, old Mr. Edwards up the street used pornography to entice me into taking baths so he could watch, had me wearing his wife[']s clothes and eventually having oral sex and being penetrated by him. This went on for five years. He used pornography to show me how to be -- and what to do -- until I didn't see anything wrong -- with anything he did to me -- or had me do to him..."
-- Statement of Peggy, published in the Minneapolis press conference; in C. MacKinnon and A. Dworkin Eds., In Harm's Way: The Pornography Civil Rights Hearings; 1997.

". . . Even though the sound on the pornographic tape was off, he continually sent me to the door of the room to make sure the keyhole was covered, the door locked, and/or barricaded, and to listen for anyone walking down the hall. Meanwhile I was to keep coming back to him to do whatever he wanted sexually. He wanted me to watch how the various women in the video performed oral sex on the men. And then he insisted that I do the same with him while he continued to watch that movie. If I didn't go down on him far enough or hard enough, he would put his hands on my head and push it up and down, sometimes so hard that I thought I would faint. . . A number of times after watching the [pornographic] video, he actually took me to some filthy places, often crack houses, telling me that he felt that I was ready, that I was his whore, and that he knew men who would pay big bucks for me. But I had to do it right. I had to please them, or else he and I would be in danger. In hallways, in stairwells, in basements, and bathrooms of crack houses, in seedy hotels, in apartments where sometimes there were small children in cribs, my partner offered me like a prize to numerous men and women. He would force me to strip and seduce them, all the while coaching me, instructing me, talking to me as if from that video, even when he was having sex with other women in the same room. He once traded me for cocaine to a man who forced me to have sex with him at knifepoint. After all this, we went home to the video, that pornographic video, and the abuse continued. My partner pointed out to me what I didn't do right, what I should have done, what I could have done much better. That video become my nightmare. Every time he made me turn it on, I became sick with fear for I knew that I was in for hours of verbal abuse, physical pain and sexual torture. And I was trapped. If I protested, if tried to leave, if I made but a sound, he would threaten to break every bone in my body and put me in the hospital. And sometimes I wished I had gone to the hospital, just to get away from that video."
-- Testimony of L.B. , at the Massachusetts public hearing; in C. MacKinnon and A. Dworkin Eds., In Harm's Way: The Pornography Civil Rights Hearings; 1997.

"[O]ver a period of eight years... I worked as a prostitute, dancer and nude model... As a prostitute I worked in massage parlours, peep shows, private apartments, street corners, bars and for escort services... At the age of seventeen I began dancing in topless and bottomless bars. I was working for a pimp and was under a lot of pressure from him and the club owners to make a lot of money. In these bars they had pornographic videos playing constantly which contained graphic scenes of various sexual acts. The women in the videos were usually naked and the men were often clothed except for their penis. . . I had never seen pornographic movies before. I soon found out that in order to make tips I had to lay on the dance floor, spread my legs and expose my genitals to the customers, just like in the videos. . . A lot of my work consisted of acting out particular scenes for the customer [john] which caused him to become aroused. . . Some of the most violent pornography that I saw was in the houses of customers that I saw through escort services... I considered the men who were into pornography to be the most dangerous and potentially violent since that is what aroused them. . . At least fifty percent of the men that I saw professionally were into fantasies and pornography such as I have described. They were men from all over the world and all types of professions. Every prostitute I know has had similar experiences. Often we keep it to ourselves because it is very painful to remember. I have been scarred for life both mentally and physically. I have violent nightmares on a regular basis which replay my worst experiences of sexual violence over and over. I have difficulty relating to people in normal social situations. I cannot make love with someone without having flashbacks of being a prostitute. I have very little self confidence..."
-- Written Submission of J.W., Boston, Massachusetts; published in in C. MacKinnon and A. Dworkin Eds., In Harm's Way: The Pornography Civil Rights Hearings; 1997.

"When I was six years old, my brother (then fourteen) was given or bought some "adult" magazines and he used to show them to me when our parents were out. Then he began to sexually abuse me. He often used to read the magazines before he abused me. I was abused at three to four by my grandfather -- I remember finding some "adult" magazines at his flat once. For years I was abused by my grandfather and brother, but felt too guilty to tell anyone. If our parents went out on a Saturday night my brother would invite his friends around. They'd bring their magazines and sit around joking about women's bodies. Then my brother would make me strip and straddle the bath while one by one they'd sit underneath having a look at my genitals..."
-- Anonymous, quoted in Catherine Itzin and Corinne Sweet, "Women's Experience of pornography: UK magazine survey evidence", in Catherine Itzin Ed., Pornography: Women, Violence and Civil Liberties; 1993.

"I now see a lot of my relationship with him as being some kind of sexual assault. He used to use pornography at the same time as having sex with me -- it was as if I became one of those pictures... That's a much more subtle form of assault."
-- Anonymous, quoted in Liz Kelly, Surviving Sexual Violence; 1988.

"I wanted to be the cool girlfriend. Like, I’ll be cool and watch porn and fuck you. I didn’t want to come across as Pollyanna-ish. … [But] there was something about him needing the objectification of another woman to turn him on. Then he could transfer that excitement to my body."
-- Mia, quoted in Pamela Paul, Pornified; 2005.

"We’ve been together five years. … Recently, I discovered through the computer that he’s fascinated by hardcore pornography. When confronted, he said I have no right to be upset. … I feel I’m not going to be able to satisfy his urges because I’m unwilling to do what really turns him on … it’s making me question whether I’m willing to continue a relationship with someone who can disregard my feelings so easily."
-- Woman writing to a local advice columnist, quoted in Pamela Paul, Pornified; 2005.

"It’s kind of silly, but my standards changed. Women who were otherwise good-looking but weren’t as overtly sexy as the women in porn don’t appeal to me as much anymore. I found that I look more for women who have the attributes I see in porn. I want bigger breasts, blonder hair, curvier bodies in general. Just better-looking overall... I find that when I’m out at a party or a bar, I catch myself sizing up women. I would say to myself, “Wait a second. This isn’t a supermarket. You shouldn’t treat her like she’s some piece of meat. Don’t pass her up just because her boobs aren’t that big."
-- Harrison, porn user, quoted in Pamela Paul, Pornified; 2005.

"I look for more extreme stuff... It’s become more severe as time has gone on...for some reason, with porn, in order for me to get excited, I need to notch it up one level. It’s got to be more extreme. Seeing women demeaned is somehow a turn on."
-- Tyler, porn user, quoted in Pamela Paul, Pornified; 2005.

"I was just masturbating with [my wife]. All the while I was thinking either about porn or trying to make her say things she didn’t want to say. I was really just using her -- she was like a masturbatory accessory."
-- Miles, porn user, quoted in Pamela Paul, Pornified; 2005.

"During that period of my life, sex had nothing to do with expressing love or affection... I became more selfish, because with porn, it was all about me -- me feeling better, me getting more pleasure, me getting more excited. It was completely self-centered."
-- Liam, ex-porn user, quoted in Pamela Paul, Pornified; 2005.

"People from the ACLU ignore the fact that freedom, as defined by our society, is not actually freedom at all... [T]he argument that pornography is "natural" ignores the fact that there are men who have given up their obsession with pornography and have not died... When the [pornography] addict commits an act of abuse, when he is sexual with a child or with a prostitute or a student or an employee, when he has sex with his wife while fantasizing on another woman, the addict believes that using another person as an object will relieve his unhappiness. And for a second that unhappiness is numbed and forgotten, and a rush of excitement does occur. But afterwards the unhappiness returns, the drug has worn off. And the addict becomes angry at the person he has used because that person has not done what he thinks that person should do -- take away his unhappiness. He carries that anger to the next act of abuse, to the next person he abuses."
-- David Mura, "A Male Grief: Notes on Pornography and Addiction" (1987), in Michael S. Kimmel Ed., Men Confront Pornography; 1990.

"While looking at pornography, I developed a way of looking at women. I developed, if you will, a pornographic ethic. After looking at pornography, I did not look at women as colleagues, potential friends, or allies, or with any kind of gaze based on justice or caring. I looked at women based on how I compared them to the man-made images of women I saw in the magazines or on the videos. The women I saw on the street, in classes, at meetings, etc. became simply "fuck-able" to varying degrees. I looked at them and thought about the things that I would like to do to (not with) them sexually – things that I fantasized they would enjoy, but the ultimate focus of which was my own sexual fulfillment... Being committed to justice and using pornography is inherently contradictory, because one cannot look at others as fully equal, empowered, dynamic human beings if one is also looking at them through the pornographic gaze."
-- Rus Ervin Funk, "What does pornography say about me(n)? How I became an anti-pornography activist.", in Not for Sale; 2004.

"The evidence makes it even clearer that this pornographic culture also is destructive for men. This doesn’t mean the harms of pornography are borne equally by all; in male-dominant societies, women bear the brunt of the damage from the sexualizing of a domination/subordination dynamic, which is so central to pornography. . . In my own use of pornography as a child and young man, I remember how completely I would shut down during the experience. So, to enter into the pornographic world and experience that intense sexual rush, many men have to turn off some of the emotional reactions typically connected to a sexual experience with a real person -- a sense of the other’s humanity, an awareness of being present with another person, the recognition of something outside our own bodies, as well as a deeper connection to oneself. Many of those same men report that in intimate relationships with another person, this same emotionally shut-down response to sexual stimulation kicks in. In short: Pornography helps train men not to feel during an experience that is most about feeling. Compounding the problem is the way in which pornography intensifies men’s sense of control, over self and others. . . So, men turn women into objects in order to turn ourselves into objects, splitting off loving emotion from body, in search of a sexual experience in which we don’t have to feel and can stay in complete control. Coming full circle, this is not only destructive for men but dangerous for women. Because sex is always more than a physical act, men see king this split-off state often find themselves having uncontrollable emotional reactions that can get channeled easily into violence and cruelty, increasing the risk to women. Despite this, the pornography industry continues to tell us that their products represent the ultimate in sexual liberation. But the only thing being liberated is our cash, into their pockets. In the end, I believe men should reject pornography and resist the pornifying of the culture for two reasons. First is an argument from justice, a principled concern for the welfare of women. Second is an argument from self-interest. Do we want to be shut down and cut off from one of the great mysteries of life? Do we want to trade our humanity for a quick, cheap thrill that ends up costing us all more than we may realize?"
-- Robert Jensen, Article "Abusive images belittle women, men and sex", Irish Examiner (Dublin), June 7, 2007, p. 10. Source: http:// uts.cc.utexas.edu/%7Erjensen/freelance/pornographyirishexaminer.htm

"I discovered in April 2004 that my then-boyfriend was secretly a regular porn
user. He had figured I wouldn't like it, so he'd kept it a secret even though
I'd asked about this before we were dating. My life hasn't been the same
since. I'll elaborate on some reasons why...
1) I never knew what "porn" entailed. In my mind, it was Playboy. I never in
my wildest dreams would've guessed that prostitution was legal as long as it
took place in front of a camera. I continue not to understand the double standard.
2) I cannot believe that almost every other form of exploitation imaginable is
illegal, but porn is not. And, in fact, it is supposedly protected by the First
Amendment of the Bill of Rights. What message does this state about our
society? How does the stuff being filmed not violate even today's "community
standards"? Much of it is revoltingly humiliating and violent.
3) I have learned that it is the norm nowadays for women to expect their guys
to feel that they (the guys) have the "right" to view porn. In my mind, this
practice equates with infidelity--and science backs me up on this. A porn
viewer's physical neurological experience is no different than if he was
experiencing the act itself. In other words, in his mind, he literally IS
participating in these experiences. I have spoken with numerous women who describe "hating" that their partner’s porn use, but who are intimidated by the partner’s arguments for the behavior. Why, why, do women tolerate it? I fail to comprehend this resigned attitude. Women shouldn’t feel intimidated about discussing the issue with their partner, and they do NOT have to tolerate their partner’s use of porn.
4) How can our society invest so much in raising our little girls, only to
offer them absolutely no protection from the pornographer's camera at age 18 (or
younger in many countries)? How is an 18-year old girl ready to make a choice with such incredibly high risks to her physical health, her emotional health, her physical
safety, her reputation, and her future? How can we feel OK in failing to protect our children from forming their first sexual impressions with easily accessible internet porn? Is it logical to expect the innumerous number of children "groomed" on the harmful dominant/submissive, egotistical/contemptuous messages of porn to eventually know how to establish integrity-based opposite-sex friendships--or to develop loving, faithful, and mutually respectful sexual relationships?
5) I was raised with the understanding that most guys are "nice" guys.
Qualities of "nice" guys, to me, included chivalry, honor, honesty, respect,
cleanliness, and compassion. I have, since 4/04, learned that a large
percentage of guys use pornography--many on a regular basis. I have found that
there is no way that I can tell if a guy is a porn user. Porn users may appear
to me to be the "nicest" of guys--not the seedy, greasy, back-alley,
full-of-himself kind of guy that I would have known to avoid. I no longer feel
comfortable around guys in general, spare the very few I know for certain do not use
porn. This stems from the feeling I have that if a guy is a porn user, he is
disrespecting and degrading me just by the fact that he is disrespecting my
fellow sisters (the prostituted women he views). So I’ve grown quieter in public settings over the past years. Regrettably, I would not be surprised if many now view my (formerly social) personality as aloof.
6) The night that I learned about my boyfriend’s porn use, I experienced the physical sensation of being "flattened"-as by a truck. I developed PTSD, reliving this "flattening" sensation whenever a trigger prompted the memory of that night. Relatedly, I developed panic disorder, in which a panic attack occurred when I recalled a memory of the situation. I would panic about how desperate I was for it to end, how I just couldn’t go on any longer with these painful memories and realizations. It became difficult for me to go out in public due to anxiety about having a panic attack in front of others. Major depression followed, as I came to ruminate over four unreconciled forms of disillusionment:
A) I’d learned that my boyfriend was a far cry from the faithful, sexually inexperienced, and compassionate pro-feminist partner that he’d portrayed himself as to me.
B) I’d learned that my relationship with my boyfriend was rife with dishonesty.
C) I developed an anxious sense of social vulnerability as a woman. I learned that the fact of being a woman does not assure one the respect and solicitous attention from "nice" men that I’d grown up understanding as the norm. I could not overtly differentiate between a man who used pornography and one who did not-and I came to feel potentially subversively disrespected by the majority of men. Additionally, I learned that our society goes to great lengths to cover up the harms caused by pornography, and to remove obstacles to its proliferation. I learned that there are virtually no inhabited areas left in the world free of porn’s degrading effects.
D) I felt incredible empathy for the girls and women in the porn industry, who are routinely abused in countless ways. Initially, I felt incredible outrage that their abuses do not warrant persistent public outcry. As my repeated attempts to bring the matter to public attention failed, my outrage eventually muted into despair.
My life has become dominated by attempts to return to some semblance of emotional stability. I’ve tried numerous antidepressants and visited multiple psychotherapists. My sex life is difficult, as unwelcome thoughts of "nice guy" insensitivity to women's pain and humanity can dampen even a tender lovemaking experience. My failure to be able to reconcile many of the above-mentioned points has led me to an ongoing battle with suicidal thoughts. Living in a world where such exploitation and social injustice thrives holds little appeal for me. The bulk of my pre-4/04 dreams and wishes have been channeled into a desire to see the demise of mainstream support for pornography. As long as I continue to see some hope toward this end, I’ve concluded that-as painful as it feels-my life is worth living.
Maggie, I hope I've painted a descriptive picture of what I'm going through. I am trying to accept the new (to me) and abhorrent reality of what porn involves, and that it has gone mainstream in our society. I guess it's so hard, because all most other social "evils" are recognized as such (ie poverty, child labor, etc.). But today, porn is glorified by its promoters, while barely an objectionable voice is raised. People either don’t understand it (my former self) or they are uncomfortable talking about it, few secular groups are willing to tackle it, its viewing seems just as pervasive in "religious" circles as secular, and the media gives very little space or time to portraying it’s harms. I, personally, have tried to write numerous letters to the editor of our city newspaper regarding the harms of pornography and prostitution--but none have yet been published."
-- 'Rose', email sent to the Against Pornography website's email address in 2007.

"I just read your excellent new important web site and I want to thank you for it and also share my personal victimization from pornography. In the Fall of 1978 when I was 13 and a half I was the only girl in a classroom of teenage boys. I was very big busted by that age and considered beautiful and I was molested by two 14 year old boys who repeatedly grabbed at my breasts and crotch. One of the boys made several references to the women in Playboy and the other boy shoved a pornographic magazine into my face in an empty classroom,and he said here is a picture of a girl fingering herself. Now this was before the days of the Internet and before hardcore pornography was made so mainstreamed and normalized and common place and I doubt they had seen hardcore pornography. But they still learned from the so-called "softcore" pornography the same sexist woman hating dehumanizing attitudes that all pornography teaches boys and men,that girls and women exist just to be sexually used for their pleasure,and they have a right to take and use us and that we want to be sexually used as objects!
Also it wasn't just these two boys,I couldn't walk in the halls past other boys without some dehumanizing sexist comments made about my big breasts. And when I was 14 I was sitting on the art room steps with a boyfriend and the art room teacher who must of been in his 30's says to a whole room full of teenage boys,that the boy I was sitting on the stairs with said it's the art room teachers turn after his.
I have seen so many pornographic web sites that depict and describe women and sex so hatefully and violent with words like this, slamming,banging,and pounding huge c*cks into the sluts,whores and bitches, one pornographic video was called,This Bitch Hates Facials,another described drunken sluts getting f*cked hard,and there was throat f*cking and gagging sluts videos,another described a slut getting f*cked so hard in the ass until she screams,and another described a whore sister being f*cked hard, etc It's so sick and damaging and it's really a sick male dominated woman hating society that has normalized it! Of course pornography is a big reason we live in a sick male dominated woman hating society and thats where pornography as you already know came from in the first place! It portrays women as nothing but things to stick penises into and nothing but things to feel,f*ck,ejaculate all over and forget for the whole sexist male dominated woman hating society's pleasure!
Whats really even more disturbing is because pornography sexualizes male dominance and women's subordination, sexist gender inequality in a very sexist male dominated woman hating society,and because it's been unjustly mainstreamed and normalized, many women I have found on message boards are saying they like pornography, it's really insane it's the exact same thing as a black person liking and getting off on racist pornography or a Jew liking and getting off on anti-Semitic pornography! Anti-pornography feminist philosophy professor Rebecca Whisnant said to me in a phone conversation in 2004 that many women are now playing along with pornography because many of their boyfriends and husbands use it and they say 'if you can't beat them join them'."
-- 'C.M.', email sent to the Against Pornography website's email address in 2007.

"First of all, I'd like to thank you so much for what you're doing to put this message out there and to get people to really think about the contents of what they're consuming. I think this is truly an important and meaningful cause.
I'd like to start off by saying I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love very much. We have been together for almost 2 years. He used to be a pornography user.
About 1 year after we had been dating I went to a presentation by Robert Jensen on this subject matter. I ended up crying during the presentation because of the sudden realization that my relationships had been effected by this... the way I was being treated, the way I allowed myself to be treated and presented myself sexually... Suddenly I realized that me, my boyfriend, and my relationship had been infiltrated and manipulated by porn. In the bedroom my boyfriend was calling me slut, bitch, all kinds of horrible names. He would push me down on his penis forcing me to perform oral sex, and would say things like "tell me that you want it...tell me that you like it...don't you like [my] dick?" He would taunt me saying "Tell me where you want it...tell me how you want it?"
And I let him do these sorts of things. I even had convinced myself that I liked it.
The realization made me disgusted with myself, disgusted with him, and then angry that we had been manipulated in such a way. So we had a talk. . . and we've been working on it. He quit watching porn...which he admitted was hard. We've been working on him not referring to sex as "fucking" but as sex or as making love. We've been working on not calling me names... not succumbing to practices that I don't actually enjoy, and not EVER forcing me to do anything... not having any sexual activity that is not fully consensual.
I would like to say that we have been able to fully do this... but it still happens... he still sometimes reverts back to copying things he saw in porn, proving that it is a hard habit to break. It is still also hard for me to not feel like I have to compete with the images he used to consume. I still feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not sexy enough, I'm not slutty enough sometimes.
It amazes me how pervasive pornography is into every facet of the psyche.
But we're working on it. He stopped using [porn]... that's a big step.
Thanks again for your work in this area."
-- 'Anna', email sent to the Against Pornography website's email address in 2007.


These personal accounts (above) are very courageous ones. These stories are so meaningful as they show the cruel harms of this misogynistic and awful porn industry. And yet, these are only just a few stories among so many others. So many people out there are/have been harmed by pornography and do not have their free speech rights to tell what's happening/happened to them. Also, many women and children are often silenced by ongoing sexual abuse or sexual coercion and threats. And many pornography users have their intimacy and ways of interacting with women impaired by porn.

If you have been harmed by pornography (or in prostitution) as a woman, the partner of a porn user, a family member of a user, an acquaintance of a porn user, in the making of porn, as a porn user him/herself, etc., in any of the ways described on this site here or there, or

if you are/were a pornography user who has decided to stop using porn/has stopped using porn because you have noticed the obvious misogyny, racism, and/or violence of the material and its harms to women, children and/or yourself in any of the ways described on this site,

you can send me your personal story via simply posting a comment on this blog's post here.

If you were harmed by pornography (or the 'sex' industry), please do not forget that your personal account is very important. You are not alone. Your story matters and it could also help many other people understand the harms of this cruel industry.

To preserve your anonymity, you can either choose a nickname or 'anonymous' when you post. Nobody would know who you are (not even me).

This post is a way for people who were harmed by pornography to have their free speech unrestricted and be able to tell how pornography has harmed them (while keeping their identity confidential).

Pro-porn comments, offensive, hostile comments, or irrelevant comments will not be published. Also, please avoid religious comments.

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

As I was reading your and other stories posted in your blog, I was recalling experiences of not being taken seriously when I had said "no" to a certain sexual practice or behaviour(the "women mean Yes when they say No" myth) and stuff like this, all happening in "normal" relationships or with "nice" guys. At the same time, I was feeling very lucky because my first partner was not like that at all: our relationship was based on mutual respect.
But then, isn't that a consequence of porn as well? Isn't there something perverse and terribly wrong in feeling lucky for having had what should be the NORM?

syebba said...

It astounds me that some women call themselves feminists & support porn & prostitution.
Have they not seen the current content of porn,do they not notice newsagents top shelves stuffed full of women shown in humiliating poses with derogatory text about them?
How the hell is this liberating/empowering or a feminist ideal?
I’m male & gave up porn a while ago,my friends all use it & brag amongst each other who’s got the worst porn.
Basically they arent satisfied until they’ve found the most degrading & humiliating porn towards women,this is what turns them on.
If pro porn feminists think porn is liberating & empowering,they obviously havent seen & heard what i have.
Much easier just to ignore it & sweep it under the carpet,when the issues raised,ohhhh porn isnt that bad,or it isnt all like that,or some women choose to do it,or theres more important issues,blah,blah,blah!
Wake up & get real!
If youre really concerned about womens equality,ditch your apathy towards porn & see it for what it really is.
Rant over!!!!

The main reason some, not all guys who consume porn start to seek the more extreme material is because they become desensitized & bored with their current material.
Porn is becoming ever more extreme due to guys like this purchasing & obviously demanding it.
I do wonder where it will all end,it will probably be necessary at some point in the future for the government to intervene,as the porn industry seems hell bent on giving its consumers ever more degrading material.
It took me years to quit porn,it was like a drug,always searching for the next harder fix.
Like my friends who still use porn,i was after the worst type{not rape}but where the women were treated worse than animals,almost sub-human.
It got to the point,the porn i was viewing was becoming like a freak show,i became angry with myself for being lured back to it,time & time again,it was then i realised i was probably addicted to the damned stuff & took steps to end it.
That’s why i’m astounded some feminists seem to ignore or even support porn,if they knew what type of porn is mainstream nowadays & what guys thought of the women doing it,they may change their opinion!
There are few guys willing to speak out against porn,so its even more depressing that an increasing amount of women are accepting it.

The reason i’m now anti porn after consuming it for many years is that ive seen 1st hand how porn has become ever more extreme over the last 10 yrs or so.
Maybe if i had’nt been a heavy user porn would’nt bother me,i don’t know.
Maybe i’d be like most peeps & ignore it,or say it is’nt that bad,blah,blah!!
But i know different.

Anonymous said...

I thank you so much for this website..heres my story..i have a boyfriend we have been together for and year and he watches porn all the time...i hate it...i hate porn so much i wish that they would take it all off the internet and out of the stores it has messed up my past love life...now its about to mess up the love life now..it makes me feel like i'm not good enough for him..plus i think that when me and my boyfriend are having sex he is thinking about the chicks in the videos it makes me so upset..that i stop having sex with him right then and there and he gets mad...but once again thanks for this website and i hope you read this..:)

Anonymous said...

I was a stripper for three years and I learned really quickly how anti-woman the sex industry is. I saw and experienced physical and verbal abuse. Many of the dancers were drug abusers and were suffering from mental illnesses. I thought I was being an empowered feminist but I was really only acting out my early childhood abuse. I was encouraged to get into stripping by my boyfriend at the time, who was addicted to porn and strip clubs. His sister was a stripper and porn actress. I finally left the business after being stalked by a regular customer who actually I believe is a co-owner of the bar. He set me up in a aapartment for cheap, only to end up destroying the locks to my front door, stalking me, etc. I suspect he might be involved in human trafficking, which does happen at strip clubs. The owner of the club is a woman but she pimps the women out, all the while pretending to care about the women. The club violated many employee rights laws, but in strip clubs, the laws don't seem to apply. In only three years, there were two murders assciated with my club. I believe one was an inside job but the cops did nothing about that. The cops also laughed me off when I reported the club after quitting. Sex workers are not regarded as equal citizens.

I was recently trashed by some strippers(?) on a pro-stripper website when I tried to warn them about the stalker at my club. They found out I was against stripping, and viciously attacked me. So you are right, the pro-porn camp is totally intolerant and censoring. Thanks for this forum and keep up the fight.

Anonymous said...

I always feel bad about myself. I can not remember everything but I know I was molested by some relatives who used pornography to show me what to do. I have been sexually harassed, stalked, peeped, raped, hit, grabbed, shaken, name called by many men. I do not have one woman friend who has not had similar experiences. I am 32 years old. What am I supposed to do? I am considered abnormal because i hate pornography. I have been told I need therapy because of my views about men and porn. I am scared too death of what is happening to women. I have no support group in the area where I live for this sort of thing. There must be a better way. I appreciate this site and other sites like it because I do not feel so alone when I read these stories.

Anonymous said...

I told my boyfriend right at the start of our relationship that porn wasn't acceptable to me. I also said that I'd split up with a previous partner because of his use. He had a history of porn use in his previous relationship, but told me he'd got rid of it all (without me asking him). I didn't realise the extent of his use at the time, which seems to be obsessional and linked in with his use of drugs. I've repeatedly found porn on his computer which has prompted massive arguments, me walking out on him and feeling absolutely devastated. To make matters worse, a lot of the stuff he looks up is to do with teenage girls. How am I supposed to feel about that? That I'm not good enough for him because I left my teenage years behind 10 years ago? That he likes to watch women being abused - after all, what woman, let alone an 18 year old, can make a 'choice' about being in the porn industry? Does he like the look of fear in their eyes when they are being coerced into doing things? He calls me a 'good little girl' when I give him a oral sex and wants me to pretend it's my first time (obviously all inspired by porn). Well, I have had enough! I'm fed up of being told I am the one with the problem. What he does undermines our relationship - it makes me feel degraded and used and disrespected. He accuses me of trying to control him, but it is about respect - I expect someone I go out with not to cheat on me, hit me or to use pornography. What makes me even more angry is that he complains about our sex life. Apparently I don't respond well enough to his performance because I don't orgasm from penetration or cunnilingus. How dare he! He tells me that I need to relax more in the bedroom, that being turned on is all in the mind. Too right it is and I feel turned OFF by his porn use. How can I feel intimate, safe and uninhibited with someone who enjoys looking at degrading images?

Anonymous said...

There are two parts to my feelings I would like to post here. First, as a young professional woman who has a higher sex drive, confidence and ethics, I have always dated individuals who don't use porn. It is part of my test date talk. So I thought. It is an issue with me. I am VERY upfront about it and feel very feministic in my views. That said,
this was my morning, yesterday:
Having a newborn and nursing, newborn being asleep, we woke up and my partner got our 7 year old to school as I decided to put on one of his button down shirts and start the kettle. It felt romantic.
Our newborn is less than three weeks old. The last week has been incredibly difficult. I would like to stress that I believe I am with a truly caring man. I do believe porn made him sexually selfish, impatient and lowered his self esteem to hinge to greatly on sex. My postpardum bleeding ended quite early and I was feeling almost back to normal. We are asked to wait to have sex and now I know why. He pressured me to have sex sooner, afterward thanking me that we didn't wait six weeks, and I fractured my pubic symphysis. Meaning, I couldn't walk. Not lift a leg. This was a joint decision. No blame. One week of chiropractic visits, I can actually start to walk again.
So, yesterday, his shirt on, i limp in to make tea for both of us. We are starting new work together and I wanted to surprise him by reading up on some of the references I thought he was reading the following evening. Instead of ruby gems and xhtml there is s*cha fuck face and red tube. This in it's self would be enough. Naive, I couldn't believe it was actually what it said it was. I clicked it. The most horrific images followed of this young squinty eyed, angry pouted girl getting her body whipped around and fluid all over her face.
Here is my second part of the story. Not everyone who hates porn has been abused. Most who are in it have been. I hate where the visual i saw takes me. Suddenly, I am a small girl again. I am her and my father who was normal to everyone on the outside and did very father like things when he wasn't watching porn or attempting to mimic porn with me is the one performing those acts on me again. I am violated not repeatedly as a child but again in my own kitchen because of the disrespect of a spouse. It not only causes me to relive so many things I have never been able to verbalize but as a grown woman I am again attacked in my kitchen after stating so many times why I feel unsafe with it's presence in my home. It now will effect my wonderful sex life and home. It isn't about my partner's choice or what he needs to express. Expressions aren't done hidden in the kitchen at 2 am. Those are lies and omissions. He is lying to himself as to why he was interested and why he sought it out. I assure you, I will not lie to myself as to why it is not acceptable, not normal and why I asked him to leave.
We have a right to be the women we are. I am not frigid, prude or conservative. I had adored sex with my partner and feel used and disrespected. 1 in 3 women abused isn't normal. Porn and porn usage isn't normal. It may be be becoming more mainstream but alcoholics are only notable when they don't leave the pub or the drink.
I am hoping more people will speak out against Porn. Put money to the cause. Write your officials. Vote. Look at the amount of money going to Porn and the bondage it places on our society when we need those resources so many other places. Don't be fu*kable and complacent. Be resourceful, efficient and active! I am starting to.

betsy w said...

Hi Maggie Hays,
I read your really fine autobiographical essay and want to cheer you on. Your blog site is very good, as are your comments on the second and third waves of feminism, etc. As the so-called second wave was well aware, sexual liberation was always a fraud as regards women. It only sought to make more women and children more sexually available to more men in more ways.
I doubt there are any "waves" feminism, only an unbroken; though historically censored, river of women attempting to roll back the tide of men's inhumanity toward women; or anyone else for that matter. In contrast, male movements for change seek to expand male interests and privilege only amongst the brotherhood of man, though they piously mouth words and phrases like "humanity" and "power to the people." Sincerely, betsy warrior

Maggie Hays said...

Thanks to all the survivors who spoke out so far. Please keep speaking out, keep the real life stories coming. More and more voices need to be heard. Your stories matter. *Hugs to you all* :)

********
I read your really fine autobiographical essay and want to cheer you on. Your blog site is very good, as are your comments on the second and third waves of feminism, etc.

Thanks a lot, Betsy. :) Yep, and I totally agree with the rest of your comment. Re: the "sexual liberation", it was the sexual liberation for men, not women; that's right...

Anonymous said...

Hy my name is Alina I am 23 years old.My long distance relationship to my boyfriend started a year ago, I met him on the internet and we used to chat all the night long.I decided to fly over and visit him in England I first was there for 3 days and it was great we didnt had sex but we made out and we felt in Love.

I remember once we talked about porn and I told him I hated it ,he said he also dislikes it as its disrespectfull towards women.We continued talking on the pc after I first time visited him and went over a 2nd time.I was curious about what he would have on his pc so i looked at his picture folder.There where severla pictures of naked women,that lead me to look up his history the first things I saw there were porn pages horny housewifes and real amateurs.I told him about it and I cried had a nervous break down and told him I wanna break up,he said he should konw I would leave him for something little like that.I was shocked to see mature women on there (he was 23)I asked him why he would look at them and he said its just porn and that he got bored by normal porn.

I didnt broke up with him because i still loved him too much,so we kinda established he wont look at pprn nomore.He reacted ver sarcasticly when I told him to stop looking at it.So I went home and we continued our long distance relationship,after about 7 weeks I visited him again.I hezitated to look at his history but I couldnt ressist and there it was 4 days b4 I came over he had watched porn.I was shocked I was frozen I couldnt move or breath ,as he came back into the room I showed him and started to visciously slap him.Then he lost it too and started to punch the bed the door.I started to pack my things and wanted to leave ,he started to awefully cry and sai what has he done repeated that few times and begged me to stay.That went on for hours we was broken down and in the end I didnt left him.Before I went home I installed an antiporn thing on his pc.Also I like to mention he looked at a site that had freeporn and he would look at everything old women ,young women,also few asians and also so normal aged women.He also used to save the pictures he was looking at.I never felt more ugly more unloved more unfairly threated in my whole life.


After I found the porn the 2nd time a big part of me hated him,I had a few little revenge acts like in a bar we was going out two guys were looking at me and I said very loudly so my bf and also this guys would hear"Hey this boys look far better then u Jamie" then one of the guys said come over lovely.

It pissed my boyfrend extreme off and I still feel that good feeeling of revenge now that I talk about it.I also looked at naked men infront of him with the target to make him feel bad and it worked I still do it once in a while.Once I asked him how he would feel if I would masturbate looking at them and he said he wouldnt like it,ironic when he done the same to me.

We talked about porn so often he said it was a habbit ,that it didnt excited him as he seen it for so many years that it was boring and that he just didnt know how to wank wthout looking at porn.

He said his dad andan ex gf of him and most of his mates watch porn so he thought its allright and that girls are okay with it.He said he didnt fantasised about those women nomore since he was about 16 sometimes I believe it sometimes I dont.To be honest I hate the fact his dad watches porn it makes me sick and that his mom tolerates it.He said porn was boring but a 10 year old habbit is hard to give up,he said it got boring as its always the same( he used to watch pictures just rarely movies as u cant find to many movies for free)But once when I asked him why he saved the oictures he said it was since a few years that way and for in case the internet wouldnt work and it kinda turned him on to have em there.

After several revenge acts on him several long discussions with him about the porn I do not feel better.

This relationship is destroyed although he gave it up fully now and we live together although he sees porn differently now as I showed him how it affects women and all the bad things about porn.

Everday I think about it I cannot forget it and it made me fel horrible ,I dunno if I will ever fuly recover.In my mind I also tell to myelf that it also happened because it was a long distance relationship,thats some sort of excuse I come up for him when I wana enjoy his company ,but it doesnt always work.And I still have those images of the naked women on his pc in my mind its hurtfull and awkward.

Anonymous said...

I was molested when i was in kindergarden by a neighbor man who owned stacks of pornographic magazines. He had been kicked out of his parents house and had made a living space for himself in the rafters of their family's garage that was adjacent to the house i was raised in. He was the older brother of my best friend and school mate who i spent all my time with. One day he brought us into the garage and told us he was very sad. That we never did anything nice for him and that he always did nice things for us. (i cant remember what he was refering to) He told us that in order to feel better we had to touch him the way the women in the magazines did. He finally conviced us that it was ok because his girfriend did it to him. We did and i felt horrible about it. On another occasion he convinced me to go into the garage loft with him alone. He took my clothes off and proceeded to touch me inappropriately. There were several other occasions where he showed us magazines full of sexually explicit material. THis all took place before first grade. Later around the same year, i had a cousin, who touched me inappropriately and convinced me that i wanted it, even though i could not speak for i was overcome with the same fear and paralysis i had experienced in the first grade. (his father, whom my aunt has divorced since, ran the local adult video shop) I believe he learned the behavior through watching porn at an early age. As an adult, himself and all of his brothers have suffered from porn addiction. The dominant feelings i had as a child during these experiences were of great fear, isolation, guilt, shame and humiliation. I could not move or speak up for myself. Later in life i have had these feelings conjured up when ever i was looked at as a sexual being (post puberty) As a result i rejected anything feminine and hated being thought of as sexy because it made me feel powerless and hopeless. I have had an incredibly difficult time as adult with severe depression and isolation from people. I went through a period in my twenties where i could not stand to be touched by anyone. Physical contact made me freeze up and feel vulnerable. Right now i am on this blog because my boyfriend uses porn and i have decided i cant have it in my life anymore. I dont want to end the relationship, but part of me feels like it has to. Pornography was an incredibly damaging force in my past, and thats why i hope to eliminate it from my future.

imperatricks said...

I am a victim of the porn industry. I have recently started a blog as a tool to debrief my many wounds. You can find the beginning of my story at www.diadea.wordpress.com, there is more yet to come about my spiral into drugs and stripping and my long haul out of the mire. Indeed, the damage that pornography has done to my life has taken 20 years out of it. And now I am angry.

Thank you so much for your AWESOME, AWESOME blog, your extensive resources, your passion. Such a wealth of information, support, guidance. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I'm 28 years old. My father was a porn addict and I believe his porn use led him to hebephelia (attraction to young girls). His porn use had a HUGE affect on me. I watched what it did to my mom and what it still does to my mom, even though he is evidently (but not confirmed) recovering.
My father always treated me horribly. It wasn't until we discovered his problem that we realized why. When I was around 12 years old or so, he was tickling me and pulled me under him and just laid on top of me belly to belly. I'm not sure why - but something didn't feel right about it (I was still too naiive to know for sure) and I had a panick attack. He quickly got off of me and left the room. I held onto that memory for years because after it happened, my father became abusive to me and anytime I became intimate with a man for the first time, I would have that same panick attack.
He didn't hesitate to call me a bitch or stupid, I think he called me a cunt a few times and on a few occasions he pushed me, pulled me to the ground (hitting my head on the floor) by my hair, threw me by my shirt. He never did this to my other sisters and I think that he was living with some anguish because he also didn't really forget what he had done that day or what he was thinking of doing (he still denies any memory of it). He would also do very inappropriate things like when I would be getting dressed and I had my bedroom door closed - he would just barge in without knocking - even when I explained to him over and over again that he must knock because I could be changing (I eventually had to get a lock for my door). He also would slap my butt all the time and it always made me feel so disgusted. He constantly flirted with my friends (and a lot of my friends sickly welcomed it) and that always bothered me - especially because he seemed more excited about them than ever having a real father/daughter relationship with me.
We discovered his problem because he had sent a picture of his own penis to my cousin. He would also constantly fallow another one of my cousins around like a love-sick puppy and it creeped us all out - he would constantly invade her space. She was only like 12 at the time - which made it even creepier.
When these things happened - my mom turned to his computer. She found a couple hundred pictures of his own penis on the FAMILY computer. He also had downloaded thousands of porn videos.
She knew he watched porn but shrugged it off like most of her friends basically told her to do.
I'm forever paranoid and scarred from this. I'm constantly worried about my boyfriend watching porn. When we first dated, I shrugged it off because we weren't real close yet but as the relationship got more serious - I explained why I won't tolerate porn use. Over the past four years, while he hasn't used it much, I find signs here and there and it scares me to death and sometimes I think it would be better to leave him. Problem is, there doesn't seem to be many men who don't view porn (at least around here). Because my boyfriend knows everything that has happened in my life surrounding porn - it hurts so much when he betrays my wish to keep the crap out of our apartment.
I've had people bash me for being vocal about not liking porn. I'm tired of being silenced. I saw this and wanted to voice my story. Thank you for the opportunity.

berryblade said...

When I was sixteen years old I dated a nineteen turning twenty-year old man. He was into some pretty fucked up porn. Things that make kink.com look like tame, missionary with candles and rose petals on the bed.
The thing that annoys me the most about this man is that he'd KNOWN I was previously sexually abused and raped. He also KNEW it had been by boyfriends/friends.

He had been talking about his ex-girlfriend a bit too much for my liking. How permissive she was, how submissive she was. So one night, I stayed awake while he fell asleep and I decided to search his phone. I'd confronted him about it and he'd said nothing was going on.

When I checked his phone, I found no messages, so I checked the pictures and videos. There I found images he'd taken of me passed out and naked in his bed and my own, I found videos of him fucking me while I was passed out cold. I found videos of him and I fucking that I was awake and consenting for, but I did NOT consent to my image being captured on film. Ever.

He filmed my rape and the police thought we were just having a BDSM 'scene'
Because raping someone so hard they bleed is you know, safe, sane and consenual. So is calling a mentally ill sixteen year old girl a bitch, a slut and saying you want to choke her until she passes out.

The police took my admission of post-traumatic-stress-disorder, anorexia and borderline personality as an admission of lying. They called me a dirty lying whore in front of my mother.

They took my testimony with no lawyer, no adult or guardian in a secret room in a secret building.

All of my rapists were into violent and misogynistic pornography, the one boyfriend I have had who wasn't into porn at all was the only one who understood the notion of "enthusiastic consent" - this is why I'm trying to mend my ways and stay the fuck off porn.

i'm totally for your definition of erotica though.

sorry for such a ramble but this shit is running around my brain at the moment like crazy.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

My grandfather had 5 houses on his estate, one of which was regarded as his private "Sex House." I was young at the time, so I could never have imagined what sort of demoralizing acts took place in that room. The walls were lined stacked from bottom to top with Playboy and Hustler videos and magazines. He would take me in there to watch them. Nothing happened to me that I can recall, but every summer I would go back to visit my grandfather and his "Sex House" never changed much. Later, while in my high school years, he was infuriated like he usually was, but this time to the point where he burnt down everything he owned. Well, I have been stuck on Porn ever since, yet from what I have read, I am very lucky. Beauty is what captures my interest, anything perverse actually turns me off. There is no need to go into detail of the numerous repulsive sexual actions that can be portrayed. For me, it was the picture of a woman's body frolicking in the field or tanning on the beach or two lovers mutually enjoying each others body. I have only had one sex partner who I married at 23 and currently have been married to for almost 13 years. But, during the duration of these 13 years, I have never quite been able to overcome my addiction to pornography. At times my wife and I have even used pornography to lengthen our forplay. But, often times I have felt and heard her say that she feels demoralized by the fact I am on occassion drawn into the film more then the intimacy with her. So, I have come to the conclusion that even viewing what seems harmless, just a few pictures of beautiful bodies, is actually an addiction and is demoralizing and harmful to our relationship. I say addiction because I have tried soooo many times to stop, "cold turkey" as you might say, but while alone behind my computer, one image after the next, I just get drawn in by my own emotions. Well, I am at the point where I have had enough. The seeming harmless habit, I feel will have reprecutions if I don't stop now. So, the root of the problem is the internet, but my work involves using the internet at home. So, if you have any suggestions on how I can revert, break the habit, I know I must, but I just don't know how.

Anonymous said...

I have had the experience, more than once, of men refusing to understand a "No" or "Stop", while 'acting out' porn-like sex. Physically pushing them away also seems to fit into their script, and they ignore it, think that it's part of the game that they're playing with my body. If you actually shout "for fuck's sake get off me" then, in my experience so far, they do stop, and act surprised and offended. It is hard to shout when you feel embarrassed and physically vulnerable, and at other times I haven't done so, and have afterwards felt as though it would be somehow rude to bring up the fact that they'd just done something that I had told them I didn't want them to do. I still find it difficult to call it 'rape', because it's such a normalized experience. But it leaves you feeling dehumanized and lonely.

Anonymous said...

I never was in porn but was very curious and interested in it. In fact, I did a study on it for a short presentation in class. Little did I realize that the man I am presently dating is entrenched with porn -- videos, magazines, and probably now the internet. I've known him for six months and have told him how I hate the stuff. He claims it doesn't affect him too much. When we had sex for in the beginning of our relationship, he would turn on the sex video (he had different tapes available each time). I found out how to do certain acts because of the videos. As time goes on, especially last night, he didn't want to have sex. He drinks alot, smokes alot, is disabled and has a former girlfriend in the sex industry that sends him the latest releases of sex videos. He seems to become less intimate and have less sex because I don't want the sex since we are not married but he claims he loves me and is going through alot emotionally. I'm not sure which way our relationship will end but reading all about the danger of porn and the stories convinces me something needs to change for the better. Thank you to all who have shared your stories. It means alot.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

My story is very different from those above. When I was 47 I met a wonderful, perfect man: cultured, kind, genteel, respectful, modest and thoughtful. The man I had looked for all my life. He was so handsome and had the scrummiest physique, just being near him turned me on sexually. His lovemaking was absolutely mindblowing. Until. Until he started describing out loud during sex scenarios he'd seen in porn. When I went down on him, for example, he'd describe choking me with his penis. During coitus it turned him on to call me a dirty bitch etc. Totally destroyed our relationship. If this man had never seen (that kind of) porn I don't think these misogynistic scenarios would ever have crossed his mind.

Anonymous said...

Here are some pertinent comments by Germaine Greer from a UK TV interview for Channel 5's porn-documentary series "Sex and Shopping", broadcast on 13th December 2001:

"The [porn] industry works in the same way that fast food does: we want you to want more sex, we want you to want the kinds of packaged sex we have to sell to you and we're going to spend as little money as possible on generating this product."

She described porn users as: "a torpid, self-obsessed, narcissistic, masturbating population, who spend all their lives trying to gratify themselves and comfort themselves for their basic loneliness and powerlessness and also for the lack of adventure and real risk in their lives."

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend was an avid user of porn. It hurt to know that everything he was doing to me, he had learned from watching it be done on another woman in porn... and he wanted me to do the things that the women in porn did for men. If that wasn't painful enough, I had to deal with knowing that he got his sexual satisfaction from another woman...

And then, one night, he made me give him oral sex. I didn't want to give him oral. I'd said that multiple times. But... he sat me down in a chair, unzipped his pants, put his... penis in my face... and made me give him oral...

That was the most degrading, horrible moment of my life. I hated him... so much. And I blame porn for making him think he had the right to do that.

After that, we almost broke up. I did not want to stand with sexual abuse and I was scared it would happen again. But for some reason I couldn't let go and I gave him another chance. I told him to stop watching porn, because not only did I think it drove him to abuse me, but it also just bothered me anyway. He promised not to watch again, and even joined me in my rants about how horrible porn is.

But months later, I found that he had been watching again. It hurt like a stab in my heart that he would do that to me... once again, our relationship was almost ruined, but he quit again.

Now, our relationship is hanging from a thread. I feel we have some love between us, but it will never be the same as it was when we first started our relationship. He has not abused me since the even with oral sex, but I will always fear that he will someday abuse me again, or that he will watch porn behind my back again.

I don't know how I will ever trust him again. I cry myself to sleep many a night with just the thought alone that he has ever watched and enjoyed women being abused...

Lucy said...

About 1 month ago, I found out my husband was a porn addict. It nearly broke up our marriage and I had a nervous breakdown over it. Right now, we are both trying to recover. Several things struck me at the time. All addictions can be terrible but, this addiction leaves the partner in pain but, also completely isolated. It is something so embarassing and humiliating that it is very difficult to discuss with someone else. Furthermore, in the UK, it seems to be a problem that is largely unrecognised. Therefore, I have created a website about my experiences with porn addiction (and it also gives my husband's perspective too). My only aim through doing this, it to help people suffering like I did to feel a bit less alone. If I can help one person, then it will have been worthwhile. My website is www.pornpain.co.uk. I am happy for the site moderator to look at the site before including my post as it is not possible to describe this experience without being quite graphic about it.

Anonymous said...

Dear Maggie Hayes;

First of all, you're one of my heroes! I love your website "Against Pornography" - it was the main thing which convinced me, and then my boyfriend, to become antiporn!

I wanted to bring to your attention that your website is glitched. You'll see what I mean if you go to the website. It has grey writing in the background of the regular black writing, and it makes it difficult to read. I also think it makes your website seem less reputable or trustworthy as a valid source. I know that the information on it is great. But lately I've been arguing with some friends about porn, trying to convince them to be antiporn, and referred them to your website. One of them used the glitch on your website as an excuse to discredit the info on it. >:(

Anyways, please fix your website, is my main point. The information on there is far too valuable, and deserves to be presented in the best way!

Best wishes...

Maggie said...

I don't see no glitch. Everything seems fine.

Anonymous said...

English isn't my main language, however I could recognize it while using google translator. Exceptional post, you can keep them coming! Thank you so much!

Anonymous said...

Plz help, is there anyway I can get my sister out of porn? i'm a 13 year old boy from new jersey and my sister went to california to try and be an actress. but i found her on a porn site having sex with some guy. i feel really sick and it looks like theyre hurting her and she looks like she's crying at the end http://www.youjizz.com/videos/gag-factor---nikki-rhodes-159976.html.

i just want it to stop. i hate porn now and ill never look at it again. its very painful and im sorry i ever looked at all. i never thought about the girls in the videos like actual people. i didnt even think about there families. i cant believe its happening to my sister, all those guys masturbating to it don't know shes so wonderful and caring and she shouldnt be used like shes just a hole. i can't get the sound of her crying at the end out of my head and what they made her do. im hurting so much over it and im scared my friends will find out and say shes a whore.

samuel welsh said...

porn was thrown around school
I hate how it harms women.

Anonymous said...

Check this out...its a blog of a formerly Porn actress who wrote about some abuse on a web site...
http://clayrabeau.blogspot.com/2010/12/hard-city-indeed.html

Anonymous said...

My cousin used porn to sexually abuse me.

Anonymous said...

I remember once saying "if they want to watch porn that's their right to do so. I figured the only actions I needed to worry about were that of my own. In my 30's I met a guy who seemed really nice. I remember the first time I went to visit him he had playboy mags in his bathroom. He claimed they belonged to his 20 year old son who was living with him. He was lying. Months later was when the abuse started. First verbal and then physical...and in the end I ended up under a knife with the police at our door. I had suffered years of abuse. I was never one to have a past abusive relationship. Before him I had healthy relationships with wonderful guys. One of the plea's he would always use the fact that he was recovering from prostate cancer as a way to gain empathy from me to not leave him. After the police hauled him away...I decided that I was going to find out how this all happened. Where did he get the idea that I was a....and I quote "a dirty whore, "you slut" unquote. He went through counseling and he even learned accountability and empathy along the way and that's when he started talking about porn. He said that porn taught him a sense of entitlement to "my" body. It taught him that regardless of me being a good partner and mother or two kids....that I was still a "dirty whore" due to constant misogynistic views that porn promoted towards women. Porn had played a role in creating an atmosphere for fake orgasms (because its hard to orgasm when you're being treated like an object in a porn film) the lack of intimacy was missing. He even had impotency problems even while taking cialis. When he got help and stopped using porn...things changed. He didn't need cialis and the derogatory, misogynistic, and sexist vocab. started to cease. We are not together anymore, even though he changed the damage was still there. He has become a male feminist and has been helping other men deal with masculinity issues and the sexual objectification of women and girls. I no longer say "if they want to watch porn its their choice" because I walk among the same streets and enter the same stores of porn users, the last thing I need is to have a stranger feel entitled to victimize me. Some say that their is no link between porn and domestic violence/rape but if this is so how come it seems like every crime these days against women the articles always seem to mention that porn was found in the perpetrators house?

Anonymous said...

pron is evil. i got raped by porn.

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy, and porn has been part of me for well over half of my life. I'm nearing 27 now, and I'm horribly ashamed and full of regrets.

The younger you are when you first start watching / masturbating to it, the more damaged you will end up being both emotionally and mentally. It started out with looking at still images of nude Playboy models, but that soon wasn't enough.

It robbed me of any real relationships and friends, because why bother when you can just pleasure yourself at will and imagine yourself having sex with whoever you want?

Some years later, it was the early 2000's and I'd turned to hardcore porn by then. But at that time, internet connections were slow where I was, and most porn clips on the internet were somewhat hard to find and only about 30 seconds long a piece. Compare that to now, where you can find full-length, hardcore films of whatever sex act or fetish you want with one simple Google search.

I was in high school and fell for a lovely girl that I'll call Kristie here (not her real name). But due to my years of being a porn addict, I didn't know how to react or what to do and as a result I made a fool of myself and came across as a complete weirdo. Years of damage had been done and I saw everything through a porn lens: Though I genuinely liked her, all I really wanted was to get into her pants. It's shameful.

She was the only girl I ever loved, and I know she was my one chance and I blew it completely. She hates my guts and it's likely I'll never see her again. So what did I do? I got even more and more into porn and lies upon countless lies just to make myself feel better.

And now, it's 2012... nearly ten years after that. Ten years of watching porn and degrading myself over and over again. I've never been in a relationship or had sex, and I have no friends. I was so broken and angered at what happened over Kristie that I closed myself off from everyone, and didn't go to college or anything. I've tried countless times to stop but it's never taken for long... I hope *this* time is the one.

The damage is done: I'm never going to be normal, and it really is all because of porn. I'm too far gone to just go out and try to make friends, date, etc... but at least I want to be free of what has been controlling my entire life for so long. Porn influences everything about you: your behavior, appearance, thoughts... EVERYTHING. And as I said, the younger you are, the more screwed up you'll end up being. Don't get into porn, because you might never get out before it's too late.

Hysterical_Dark said...

Hi there...I just saw your website yesterday, and I was so relieved that I'm not the only one who thinks there are so many things wrong with porn.You see, I haven't watched very much porn in my life...actually almost none, and I'm really glad for it.Now to my current situation:I'm with my second boyfriend almost two years ago. I thought he was a innocent, kind man, but I actually...not so sure anymore.You see, I really thought he was a considerate guy, since he waited one year to have sex with me. But then, when we had sex for the second time, things started to get weird. He wanted me to make a certain sexual position because he saw in a movie. But I didn't know how to, so he just gave up of that, and since I was so turned on at that moment, we continued having sex. But then, I decided to talk to him about it: I said "I didn' know you watched porn" and he said "But it was before I had meet with you". I was angry and upset, because he hide this from me the whole time. So I thought " I think I should forgive him, I mean...he was just trying to spice it up the moment, and he saw those videos before we even met with each other". A few months later, things get painfully worse: I asked casually to him "Do you still have the urge to watch kinky sites?" (yeah I didn't say "porn" because we were in the subway station) and then he said "yes"...and then, he carried on saying " Hysterical...do you...have the urge to pleasure yourself" and then I said "Yes, sometimes". And he said "You see...sometimes I watch porn sites, to have something to masturbate to...because it makes me remember of those good moments we had sex with each other". I said "its not fair! Porn is sexist, and you were pleasuring yourself thinking about other women!" and he said "But...its pretty normal to do this, its just some videos, and what a fell seeing then its note "real"...well at least I'm still better than those guys who catcall other girls/women...and the way things are now, you won't find any better guy than me...and this is what you get when you say tihngs like "I want the TRUTH, no matter how painful it is!"." I said, then, fiercefully "Whether you watch porn or catcall other women, its the same thing for me.BYE!" and then I went home. We fought a little via celular messages, and then he tried to apologize, saying that he would never watch porn again. So I replied, very sincerely "I'm awfully upset and disgusted with this whole situation. I thought you knew how I felt upset when you said you saw some porn videos. I don't know when I'll want to have sex with you ever again." Now here's the slap on my face: "You know what? I don't know even when I'll go ever into your home again. You just said to your mom that I still was into porn? Oh, just fuck it. I don't know even if I will want to have sex ever again. This shit just bring me problems"
Maggie, can you believe he said that!He was so considerate and kind, but I knew something was wrong. He touched my body in public, in certain places that I would not allow to, in public, he seemed pretty interested in other body types than mine...I don't know what to do anymore, should I just break up with him? I afraid that, if I give him a second chance, he'll lie to me and see those disgusting stuff again. Maggie, if you ever watch this post someday, could you please give me some advice? Thanks

Anonymous said...

Quite simply, online pornography is destroying my marriage.
My husband is an online porno 'addict' and this addiction has changed everything that was 'us'. There is no more trust, no more honesty..also, sadly, no more mutual sex life. After seeing what my husband enjoys looking @--how horribly vile and mysoginistic online 'sex' is, I find myself cringing @ his very touch..
My story: I knew, before we married, that my husband looked @ online porno from time to time, and I did not hesitate to let him know I disapproved..but I really had no idea! Quite ignorantly I thought that it was just an outlet he wouldn't need anymore once he lost his longtime bachelorhood.
He bought me a laptop. Not being 1 to mince words, I told him straight up to please not use it for viewing online porno. He promised me he wouldn't. But, 1 morning, I opened my laptop to find it accidentally left open to such a site, and I am no prude, but what I saw so shocked and disgusted me that between that and the obvious sneakiness going on, we ended up @ a marriage counselor..Promises were made and I thought that was that..
Saw my doctor sometime after that and mentioned that I felt a possible depression coming on. I was surprised when she immediately asked me if my husband was into porn? I did then confide it had been a past issue. She shared w me then that she and her partners had, in their practice, been finding that the majority of women coming to them for depression had partners who were into pornography!
Not long after, it was my (grown) children(!) who alerted me to the fact that my husband was still indulging in this 'pastime'..that they had not only seen it for themselves in just walking by, but had also seen him viewing it w me right across the room! They also, in the night, had gotten up and seen him watching the latenight fare on the tv premium movie channels.
I got up 1 night myself then and apparently the husband didn't hear me coming. I walked up to see him watching a nasty porn video on my laptop, and upon hearing me, quickly click over to a desktop cardgame he had been using for a cover! All too plain by then that Houston we have a problem!
Since then, my husband cries "addiction" and has bought himself a book to help him w his "problem". Pardon me for not being impressed..
Since then, I have become sneaky and dishonest myself..Something I am not proud of. I have erased the internet access on his Wii. I have put Parental Locks on all the latenight porno tv fare. I also am embarassed to see myself having taken the time to figure out his email acct. password and snooping into his email acct. on a regular basis..
This is no way to live! And I grow tired of it..
So glad to have found a place like this and it's affiliates (and I thank you). A place where a woman can come to share her story and make a public effort to put a stop to this growing problem..a very serious growing problem! I already personally know of too many marriages destroyed by it and fear I too will soon be 1 of those statistics.

Lisa said...

Well I feel I am going crazy.My partner has a problem with porn.His addiction has made him hard to live with.I have been trying so hard to get through to him.He just will not stop.He said he wants to be with me but he hides what he does.I found it last night on his computer in his history.There was so much of it web cams,local Sex dating sites,crigslist local casual encounters and pictures.When I called him and asked him what he had done while I was gone he told me he watched a movie and played his game.On that history was just that day.I asked him again are you sure you didn't do anything else he told me that was all.Well that was a lie on the history was web cam porn and a lot of them.I told him I know what you where really doing and that I seen it.He told me he don't know what I was looking at because he didn't.So he blamed me for trying to start a fight.I told him fine I will show you when you get home so I did.When I shown him all what he has been doing all the to last month all the smut he has been looking at.He then said I didn't deny that he was.You can guess how that made me feel.I look at him and called him a pervert!I asked him if he wants to lose his family for this.I told him I can not live with this in my home around my little girl.I asked him if he would want his family to know why he is not in our lives?There was a lot I told him last night about this addiction and my concern about our relationship.

Maggie said...

Hysterical_Dark, here's an advice: just dump the dude if he doesn't respect you.

Anonymous said...

When I was married, before I discovered the porn, I noticed that things were happening in our intimate relationship that were hurting my feelings. He was becoming very frustrated if I wasn't hairless, as time when on he was wanting to do more and more rough things and was suggesting an interest in even violent sex, although we didn't do it. But I didn't know where these ideas were coming from. I felt like he thought I was unattractive when he said that he thought we looked terrible when we were naked. He even came on my face once time without warning me. Then I found the porn. I was devastated. We had discussed porn before we were married and I was very clear how I felt about it. He told me that he never really believed there was anything wrong with it, and he got frustrated saying that I had an issue with esteem and that all men want porn AND their wives and that it is completely normal. I said that I would have sex with him any time he wanted and asked him why he didn't come to me whenever he had that urge and he told me that all men want variety and he wants both. He wants to imagine sex with other women and I was just being insecure. He said that he fantasized about co-workers and people in public and wanted the variety. I told him how I had a right to feel hurt and that it was not a matter of low esteem, sure women are bombarded with images EVERYWHERE EVERY SINGLE DAY reminding me of my shortcomings, and this was just one more thing to make me feel not special. Especially when he was insisting that having hair below was gross and said we looked horrible and was becoming picky about my looks. I didn't feel at all happy with myself. I also discussed the industry with him. And I also noticed that he couldn't come unless he closed his eyes. So I was extremely upset and for a few days, as I was going through the hundreds of pages he had been looking at, I noticed how instantly I was reacting to what I saw. I am extremely visual and I was actually starting to think about everything I saw and then when we had sex, I was thinking of those images and couldn't orgasm unless I played a scene in my mind. This was after one week of viewing. I have NO DOUBT in my mind that I could become addicted to it too. And it made things that he was doing make more sense. It definitely is like a drug. I was always adamantly against porn because of its objectification. It is not a moral issue, is it purely a basic justice issue. Like a basic civil right that women do not have to be objectified and used to sell everything and to be exploited. He ended up leaving me because of porn and insisted that my esteem was the problem. Yes, I have low self esteem, but no one has any right to tell me that I have no right to feel hurt. Women are being steamrollered to have to "accept" porn in their relationships. A basic human need is to feel safe, secure and loved and in a relationship where your partner is ejaculating to other women when it is the ONE thing that you want to be the only one for you two to share that part of themselves with each other is NOT A FLAW. IT IS LOVE, LOYALTY and a relationship preference. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY WOMAN OR MAN WHO EXPRESSES FEELINGS with regard to porn.

Anonymous said...

My husband was extremely bummed one day because he felt that he was really small. I of course told him how much I loved him and that I was completely happy with him the way he was. He was so insistent that I was missing out and saying that if only I knew what was out there, I would be wanting a man who was bigger. I had no idea where this was coming from, but he was down about this for a few days. About a year or so later, I discovered what would turn out (by a counselor) to be porn addiction. When I found the porn, I was instantly filled with feelings of rejection and insecurity and felt like he didn't think I was enough or attractive at all and I felt as thought it was like he had cheated. I could not stop crying and yet he insisted that all guys need porn and that I was overreacting. For over a month we argued about it because I was telling him how hurt I felt and didn't see how he wouldn't stop for me, but he was insistent that I had esteem problems. He had no empathy at all for how I might feel insecure or hurt. It wasn't until a few months later that I thought back to the week where he was obsessed with his size and I realized that that must have come from his viewing porn. I had so much empathy and love for his feeling of inadequacy but he had no empathy for me as I spent over a month in tears and feeling insecure and not good about myself, with him wanting me to sport certain looks that I realize later were from porn? Even having gone through his own experience, he couldn't see how I might feel?

Anonymous said...

I was molested before age two by the male half of a childcare provider couple and their son. My mother, a survivor of terrible abuses by her stepfather, immediately removed me from the situation, which was excellent and I’m sure hard for her. But family lore says that I pulled away from her then, which angered her. It also says that I’d become “damaged goods” and might interfere with her already-difficult prospects of remarriage.



My mother remarried when I was almost seven. Her new husband was into pornography. While she accepted this, she was quite capable of fighting back when it became personal. Once, when he came home from a strip club, he told her what she was going to do for him, to him, and she threatened to hit him with a frying pan. This story made its way into family lore as well, and while it wasn’t widely told, it was certainly shared among the women and sometimes children who were listening in. 

But this was a rather stark counterpoint to what she allowed. In the same timeframe, where I was more like 12 or 13, her husband would repeatedly singsong in front of us both, and my half-brothers, “incest is best; you know they say incest is best.” He was an avid reader of the cartoon, “Chester the Molester,” which he found to be outrageously funny, and he said that the slogan had come from there, or maybe I’d just seen it there. As weird as it felt, and over my objections expressed to my mother, I was expected to put his laundry, including his underwear, away, and often found stashes of pornography in his dresser. Which reminded me:



At age seven, I had sat of his lap and he’d scratched my back. I may have asked; this was a form of appropriate touch from my childhood -- my grandmother often scratched my allergy-itchy back. I described to myself in the best words I had at the time: he treated me like he would an adult woman, but I was a little girl. He pushed his hand past my arm and around the front, massaging my chest and pulling on my nipples. I was horrified, and at first rigid with fear. But he kept going! So I crawled off his lap and told him that it wasn’t right, what he’d done.



I kept my distance from him after that, often spending every minute possible as far away from home as a child can get on her own. He never did anything more to me, and I don’t recall telling my mother about it until I was an adult, living on my own, and being confronted for telling someone I thought to be a sympathetic relative about all the molestations by men in our family, and not just of me. She called my mother and reported my “lies.” At that point my mother was furious with me, screaming that if she’d known I’d wanted to be molested so badly, she would have arranged it for me so that I would have something valid to complain about. This was surreal, given that she knew of the childcare molestation(s). She had even mentioned, probably before I’d reached my teens, that she had asked the doctor at the time of the molestation if I was still a virgin!



On her deathbed, where they called it cancer and I renamed it childhood, she rewrote our history aloud, one final delusion: ours was a boisterous family, she said. I’d say it was molesterous, and that the silence ended with my generation, at least with my cousin and I. I’m very proud of us.

living person said...

porn leads to crysis,misery and suicidal moments but in my situation looks quite normal for it to occur, my dad is always a piece of shit and remains a piece of shit what can i do? my location is a hole can't sell can't move can't do pratically any thing besides immerging my self to pornography, so trying to get my self free from it its like beating the best record of running, i can't see a light in the end of tunnel it's very dark and full of rubble, i'm blocked in a cage inside a prison underground, and the worst part, i'm still underage... can you immagine living with this routine every second you breath oxygen in and out? i don't know what say... tipical thoughts of a living human being... one thing i don't like about this world: why is it so easy to be evil? and so difficult to make something good or be good? i mean it's easier to join the dark side than the bright side, it's so easy to destroy an object instead to create it or fix it or, it's easier to leave or kill a plant, rather then giving it water and taking care of it, that's why the world half of it or more is corrupted... in a matter of speaking, people don't porn as an overall pollution to the world, they think they can just get away with it, like a normal sport, it's really an insult to think that porn is thing to don't bother about, it offends me everytime i think of it, and i feel so sorry to the people who can't fix the problem, like i said before
can't win as much as losing in life. miracles and hopes are the only professionals at this point.

Anonymous said...

This site makes me so relieved. Finally im not made to feel like im a mad feminist, prude or over reacting.
Im currently in a 5 year relationship with a man who told me he doesn't watch porn because it degrades women. This was a lie. Yesterday I found porn on our laptop, Red haired sluts he'd googled. He has an obsession with red haired women which he constantly talks about and comments on. They're firey apparently. I have black hair.
Anyway a row started and i told him i hated porn. He knew that . We've only had the laptop 3 weeks as i refused to have one due to a previous boyfriends porn obsession. he used to act out scenes in the bedroom. I would get called a 'cock hungry bitch' his favourite expression when we were having sex . So this time i didn't want any temptation. He looked at porn pretty much as soon as we got it as he was deleting the history every day. But he obviously forgot yesterday. After initially denying it was him he then told me he was only looking at it once. ( probably looking at it for a friend ?) i lost it. Told him i was fed up with the ginger obsession and made to feel second best. Looking at him in a different light now , he calls women hot birds and constantly comments on 'birds' with his mates in front of me.
Im a youth worker and see how porn has seeped into our culture and now seen as the norm. Boys have porn on their phones and constantly ask the girls if they have 'hairy fannies' as this is disgusting apparently. As young teenage boys they know far too much and the way they speak to the girls is wrong.
I've lost faith in men. I dont trust them. They think they are superior to women. They view women as a commodity. Just tell a man you earn more than him and see how 'feminist' he is.
I've had my hairdresser shove his hand down my top and grope me when i was 14, I've had my arse touched, pinched and rubbed against more times than ican remember, I've had men ask me for directions and they've been wanking in the car, man on a tube wanking next to me and 2 men tried to pull me and a friend into their car when i was 15. Im fed up with being treated like meat. Im 42 years old and I've given up all ideas of having a decent relationship. And given up on men.

Depressed in indiana said...

I used to be a stripper for almost 11 years and occasionally, a prostitute. When I was 19 I went to Las Vegas to dance, when I got there I found out if your under 21 you have to dance nude because the bars that are just topless sole liquor and was 21 and up for entertainers too. I didn't know anyone there, met a man who turned out to be a pimp. He took my IDs and told me I would never return to Ohio and he had ppl watching me in the street. It was a horrible scary time in my life and my first experience with prostitution. I continued to get this easy money until the age of 28. After 2 charges in 1 yr, indecent exposure at the strip club and a DUI, I dicided to change my life. I started going to church, got my GED two summers ago, and singed up for college the month I got my GED. Now I'm getting ready to graduate with honors, perfect attendence (if I had perfect attendance at the bar I could do it for school). While all these positive changes were going on I was starting a relationship with a man I met at the bar, actually my only waitress job, and I've fallen in love. I love him with everything in my heart but he keeps hurting me. He's cheated on me twice, but it's been almost a year since last time. I check his phone and see he's been watching porno almost everyday! I told him when we got together I don't want him watching it, I consider it cheating. I changed my whole life for him and stay in the house Nd I'm a excellent girlfriend. When I found out he's been doing it again my whole world was crushed. We've been trying to get pregnant and he hadn't watched it in awhile so why would he jeopardize our relationship over a movie. I told him I would leave him and asked him if that's so important than me he can do that. I don't want to live my life like that, I'm supposed to be the only naked girl he sees. I don't understand why he would keep doing this to me after he promised he'd never do it again, that it's not important to him. I don't know what to do we keep going through this over and over. I love him soooo much and want to spend the rest of my life withbp him, but not if he watches porn. We have sex 2 or more times a day. I have a $800 pole the house and used to dance for him, still have my old outfits, now he don't even ask me to dance anymore for him. I seen one of e videos he was watching the girl was shaking her ass at the beginning. So I just don't understand why he disrespects me, makes me feel unworthy, not good enough, and soooo depressed by doing this. I haven't said anything yet but I don't know how long I can hold my feeling in. He's been soo good lately other then this problem. But it's a deal breaker, I don't want to have to live like this. I deserve better, a normal life and a man that respects me. He always promises he won't do it again, the does. Something's not for months but now it's been 2 times in 1 week. I just don't understand. It makes me feel like he don't love me. Should I leave him for good this time?

Depressed in indiana said...

I used to be a stripper for almost 11 years and occasionally, a prostitute. When I was 19 I went to Las Vegas to dance, when I got there I found out if your under 21 you have to dance nude because the bars that are just topless sole liquor and was 21 and up for entertainers too. I didn't know anyone there, met a man who turned out to be a pimp. He took my IDs and told me I would never return to Ohio and he had ppl watching me in the street. It was a horrible scary time in my life and my first experience with prostitution. I continued to get this easy money until the age of 28. After 2 charges in 1 yr, indecent exposure at the strip club and a DUI, I dicided to change my life. I started going to church, got my GED two summers ago, and singed up for college the month I got my GED. Now I'm getting ready to graduate with honors, perfect attendence (if I had perfect attendance at the bar I could do it for school). While all these positive changes were going on I was starting a relationship with a man I met at the bar, actually my only waitress job, and I've fallen in love. I love him with everything in my heart but he keeps hurting me. He's cheated on me twice, but it's been almost a year since last time. I check his phone and see he's been watching porno almost everyday! I told him when we got together I don't want him watching it, I consider it cheating. I changed my whole life for him and stay in the house Nd I'm a excellent girlfriend. When I found out he's been doing it again my whole world was crushed. We've been trying to get pregnant and he hadn't watched it in awhile so why would he jeopardize our relationship over a movie. I told him I would leave him and asked him if that's so important than me he can do that. I don't want to live my life like that, I'm supposed to be the only naked girl he sees. I don't understand why he would keep doing this to me after he promised he'd never do it again, that it's not important to him. I don't know what to do we keep going through this over and over. I love him soooo much and want to spend the rest of my life withbp him, but not if he watches porn. We have sex 2 or more times a day. I have a $800 pole the house and used to dance for him, still have my old outfits, now he don't even ask me to dance anymore for him. I seen one of e videos he was watching the girl was shaking her ass at the beginning. So I just don't understand why he disrespects me, makes me feel unworthy, not good enough, and soooo depressed by doing this. I haven't said anything yet but I don't know how long I can hold my feeling in. He's been soo good lately other then this problem. But it's a deal breaker, I don't want to have to live like this. I deserve better, a normal life and a man that respects me. He always promises he won't do it again, the does. Something's not for months but now it's been 2 times in 1 week. I just don't understand. It makes me feel like he don't love me. Should I leave him for good this time?